This morning I read the blog I wrote this time last year. I was in the thick of raw emotions last year. I had no idea how to handle what I felt. Since then I have had counselling and just the short burst that the NHS provides with Talking Therapies was incredible. I am so grateful to live in a country where even our mental health is looked after. And of course 8 sessions wasn't really enough to fully heal the complex, deep emotional rift I was suffering in but it absolutely helped.
At some point I know I will probably need to organise myself some more counselling to finish unraveling the messy knots I had tied myself into over Mum's death but for now I have made enough progress to operate in the world again, to mostly be the happy, smiling, energetic and positive person I was before. And the bits of time when I'm not that person remind me that I've still got bits to heal and work on.
And today I remind myself that I've come so far. I've made so much progress.
I miss my Mum so much but also not at all. How can you miss someone who hasn't really left? Mum is here so often - in the sunflowers I see everywhere. In the tiny toad and frogs that visited us during our picnic today at Cliveden where Mum's ashes are scattered. In my voice when I parent my children. In Bob Marley's voice as it drifts on summer sun beams.
I miss her. I still grieve the loss of her. And as my little sister shared Nat King Cole singing on Facebook this morning:
"Smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile"
It's been a long road to get here. I've still go a long way to go. But it turns out that life is still worthwhile.