I feel sometimes like I am not a generous person. Generosity is a virtue I aspire to. Not generosity to the point of having nothing left to give, not out of control giving. Just the ability to say yes more to myself and to others. I'd like to be generous with myself once in a while but all the thoughts I have about how I can be generous with myself end in me feeling it is too selfish. For example, I am a reader - I adore reading. In last year's goal workbook I wrote a list of the books I wanted to read in 2015. And looking back at them this month, as I contemplate my new goals, I managed one of the six, not because I don't have time to read, I read plenty of other books last year. I just didn't read those ones, the ones I wanted to read. Why? Because I would have to go out and buy them for myself. They are not available in our library, they are not books that I can find easily in charity shops and it is unlikely that I will be lent them by friends. As I don't know anyone with them. And yet I have resisted buying them for myself - it's too decadent, too selfish, we can prioritise more important things than spending money on books for me.

It's the same with a lot of things for myself - anything that feels like a treat comes way down my priority list. And I feel like that miserliness extends to how I treat other people too, especially my own children.

Man, this is a hard blog to write. Owning something that I feel shows me in a negative light. I also don't really know why I am sharing it as it is painful to write. But I feel I need to stand up and acknowledge that I limit the flow of good to myself by limiting these good things. And it is a very bad habit that I would like to break. I don't want to pass this on to my children. I would like them to know that they are worthy of loving themselves, of treating themselves well. Because let's face it, how can we expect others to treat us well if we can't treat ourselves well? And like I clarified at the beginning. I'm not talking massive overspending and creating other problems. I'm talking small things. Like those 5 books I didn't read. They would have cost, what? £8 a book roughly? So £40 over the space of the year, which is about the equivalent of £3 or £4 a month. And seriously, that small an amount to spend on something that makes me feel good, makes me feel wealthy, it ought to be doable right?! And yet even as I write this I can hear that little voice saying "yeah, but..."

"Yeah, but.... It's still a lot of money when you are running on a small budget."

"Yeah, but... You could spend that money on your children instead."

"Yeah, but... You don't really deserve it so why bother even doing the maths?"

And that is what it all boils down to, isn't it? It's not about the money really. It's that feeling of not being 'good enough' to 'deserve' nice things.

And the way to get over that feeling? Well - that's the million dollar question right there!! For now I'm going to focus on being vigilant over my thoughts - to try to notice when I am slipping into that mentality. And perhaps I could find some affirmations to use when I am thinking and acting like I'm not good enough too....

2016 has been creeping slowly into being these last few weeks for me. I've chatted with a few people about how I don't really want 2016 to be real. 2016 is a year without Mum. 2016 is the year my wee family of creation turns on it's head as we add a new baby into our midst in March. And 2016 is my year of 'shine'.

Every year instead of resolutions I give myself a word. A single word for the year as a guiding light towards who I would like to be. Last year it was 'open' (click here to read that post). The year before it was 'practice'. I've had lots of different words. Most years they arrive fully formed in my head and I have no choice but to accept that word and see what happens.

I feel like open was a good word for last year. I didn't accomplish some of the things in ways I expected - for example my photography business was busy at the start of the year but quieter towards the middle and end of the year. However, Andy and I have opened a climbing course for home educated children which is growing beautifully and fits our lives in such wonderful ways. It's fun watching the children progress and grow in confidence.

Open also guided me on my blog this year. I poured my heart onto the pages of my blog as I went through the difficult transition of watching my Mum die. I am so grateful for all the supportive comments and feedback from you all about the very raw posts I wrote last year. I didn't really believe that Mum was going to die. I still can't really believe that she has gone. It seems strange that someone so full of life, so bright and shiny, can so quickly not be here anymore.

So yeah, I've been dragging my heals about letting 2016 get underway. Because then there is the baby thing. It's getting closer all the time 7 weeks till d-day as I write (although both my children enjoyed being on the inside past then so it's probably still more like 8 or 9 weeks!). It's funny. I'm far less concerned about the birth and far more worried about what kind of impact adding another child into our family will have. But hey, whatever happens it will be fine... Right?!

So, 2016. Shine. It feels like a big word this year. It arrived as my word of the year without me looking for one (still trying to pretend 2016 wasn't happening remember?!!). I just woke up one morning and wrote 'my word of the year for 2016 is shine' in my journal. And so it is.

Shine. I want to shine as a person. I feel the last few years I have shrunk myself, hidden myself away from the world. Which is funny to say whilst writing a blog, but as I pointed out to a friend today, I don't feel like I touch on the personal daily matters on my blog. It

doesn't feel like that kind of space.

I also want to work at helping my body to shine. Having my hair cut was a big part of reinventing my body image but the last year or so I feel I have let my physical abilities slide - of course right now I am pregnant - but even to the point that my triathlon was harder this year. I want to be active when I'm 90 and so I need to keep up with my abilities now or I feel I might never get that far.

Another area that I am interested to explore with the word shine as my guide is my spirituality. I was brought up a Christian and we've been attending our local Church for 2 years now. I would like to integrate that side of myself more into my daily life. I'm not sure how right now so it will be interesting to see where this leads. I have just started working with a group of Christian women online doing a Christian based creativity course which I'm enjoying so far. I'm hoping that I can shine more as an imperfect Christian this year.

So personally, physically and spiritually I would like to shine more this year. I also want to carry on looking for the shining side of life. I want to keep up with noticing all the things I have to appreciate in myself and in others.

I would like to help women see their beautiful bodies shine with pregnancy photography and help children to shine in their lives through the activities Andy and I run. I would like to inspire others to be the light that shines in their part of the world as I feel if we all shone brighter and happier the whole world would be a more loving place.

So, welcome shine. It's only taken me till the end of January to introduce you to my word this year. Let's make 2016 shine for everyone.