It's been a strange year. Life without Mum. I spent most of this year in shock, I think. It was only with the arrival of T that the numbness started to wear off. Teddy's arrival made it much harder to pretend that Mum was just busy, just in the next room, just around the corner. Mum would have been here. My Mum adored her Grandchildren and especially enjoyed new baby cuddles.
Right now I feel as if I am starting to slide properly into the darkness of grief. The anger, the sadness, the guilt, the lost-ness.
It seems to be generally accepted that there are 7 emotional stages to grief and these are usually understood to be shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. It was Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who first identified these emotional stages whilst working with terminally ill patients. It has since been recognised that people tend to follow these stages whenever they are negatively affected by change.
So I take a step forwards in this journey of grief even though it feels like falling, like sliding backwards into a black abyss of pain and darkness. There is no way through except down.