Theodore arrived with us this last week. Earlier than I anticipated as both my older sons were born after their "due" dates. Theo decided to come 2 days before his "due" date just to surprise me.
It was another beautiful peaceful Homebirth. Harder than my last birth as Theo decided to be born back to back. But I did it. I breathed through it. I did it.
Post birth hormones always put me in a spin of ups and downs and this time has been no different. Apart from this time the downs revolve around how much I miss my Mum.
A few years ago my Mum gave me a gorgeous bees wax candle as a birthday gift which I have been slowly burning on special occasions. It burned all the way through my labour with Theo. There was only a tiny bit left at the end.
And then a couple of days after he was born we lit the candle again. I didn't want to finish it and I also knew if I didn't finish burning it, I would end up keeping a tiny end of a candle for ever purely for the sentimental attachment to Mum. So I let it burn. And it burnt all day. It happened to be the day that Theo released his attachment to his placenta as his cord disconnected. Mum was present when Wills released his placenta too. I can't help feeling that the candle burning meant that Mum was there for the releasing of Theo's placenta.
Mums candle went out with a puff of smoke later during the evening, the tiny bit of candle lasted most of the day. It's hard to write this but it partly felt like as the candle burnt itself out so Mum's light also burnt out. And yet I know that's not true. My Mum's light will shine in my life forever as only a Mother's light can. It's just another layer of it sinking in that Mum isn't coming round. I won't witness her in relationship to my children as they grow. I'm sure Mum is watching them, her Grandchildren were her absolute pride and joy in the last 5 years of her life and they all adore her. Both Wills and Zach talk about Mum often. And each time the baby blues have struck me over the last 10 days one or the other of them will hug me and ask if I'm missing my Mummy. Each time their gentleness, empathy and kindness blows me away.
I know that as with the initial grief 'this too shall pass'. The hormonal baby blues will ease as my body becomes used to being one person again. I will stop expecting the phone ringing to be Mum checking up on me or the door knocking to be Mum dropping by unexpectedly with an outfit she just "had to buy" or a bag of food she thought we "might need". Right now I'm in the thick of it.
I'm being supported through this by my amazing husband and gorgeous children, by my family and friends. Each little gesture that people make fills me with gratitude and I am amazed by how lucky and blessed I am. And so I'm keeping my focus on appreciation and gratitude for all the small things and knowing that these tears, this fresh wave of grief shall pass.