At Sunday School, we learnt about the story of Elisha, the prophet bringing a young boy back to life. Wills asked
"Why couldn't God do that for Grandma?"
Why indeed little Wills. A year on. Mum was such a bright light in her grandchildren's lives. It's hard to witness their pain and suffering and struggles amidst my own.
I remember so clearly praying for my Mum to be better, to be healed. I was hanging out the laundry when I heard the answer that it might not happen that way and it wasn't for me to decide. And I remember changing my prayer to "God's will be done" over and over and over again.
God's will be done.
God's will be done.
God's will be done.
God's will be done.
Surrender.
Trust.
Release.
It hurt so much. It made me afraid that God's will might not be my will. And it wasn't. But it has helped since to know that this was God's will. It wasn't my place to decide Mum's journey. It was between Mum and God. I surrendered and accepted and I'm grateful for that acceptance. I can't change the outcome. I can only change how I view the situation.
I'm grateful that I had such a bright, shiny Mamma who embraced life fully. I'm grateful for the sunshine, the sunflowers, the music. For all the memories. The pain is not lessened. The guilt, the anger, the despair are shifted a little bit though. So that I can almost catch a glimpse of hope that one day thoughts of my Mum will bring smiles rather than pain.
And then Will's question rings in my ears "why couldn't God do that for Grandma?"...
Seriously God, why couldn't you?