Today's blog post is an unusual one. Instead of having a topic in mind and writing on it, I have no idea where this blog is going, only that I need to write one.
A few ideas are swirling around - a few friends organised me a mother blessing this week which was small and intimate and just what I needed. I could write about that, or about the wonderful gentle parenting retreat I just took part in. I've also been thinking I'd like to write some more on the process of grief and linked with those two very lovely events in particular.
In fact rather than continue to list ideas, I think on this very special day of the year I'm going to leap right in with those ideas.
I am feeling small right now. I've shared that here already this year and the feeling is persisting. Before the birth's of each of my children I have been blessed to have friends organise a gathering to celebrate my impending transformation into becoming a mother. Each one has been organised by different people and has been very different from each of the other celebrations. They are all treasured memories. This one stood out because there were 4 of us. As I said earlier it was just what I needed right now.
Part of the feeling 'small' is that I don't feel like my old sociable self. I thought nothing of hosting 20 or more people for Chinese New Year in the past. This year there was just the 4 of us Clubley-Moores, which is the first time we haven't hosted our friends for a Chinese New Year party since Andy and I got together. I just don't feel like I have it in me to be the hostess. I feel like hiding in my shell. Such a weird sensation - not one I've really felt before.
And this weekend I attended a wonderful gentle parenting retreat for the day. It was such a lovely day, to be surrounded by mothers who face similar challenges with a similar mindset to me was empowering. The venue was perfect. I am even happy with the artwork I created as a part of the day. All wonderful. And I also noticed how different I was from my 'normal' self. That last sentence did start with 'but' and I changed my mind because I don't have to see this change as negative or even as permanent. I was small at the retreat. I talked to some of the people I knew, mostly though I didn't talk much at all. And again right now that is what I seem to need. To be quiet in a crowd, to reassess what is important to me and to my family of creation, these beautiful children I have been gifted with.
I'm so astounded that loosing Mum has had such a massive ripple effect in my life. Nothing prepared me to feel this way. I never knew grief could be so all consuming in one's life. Or for so long. I feel like now I have to carefully put each part of me back together and I'm curious to see how I look at the end of the process. I wonder how long I'll be checked out for.
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AuthorHola! I'm Vicki Clubley-Moore. I am a home educating Mum to three beautiful boys, a writer, a painter, a lifelong learner and a seeker of adventures. Archives
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