The summer...
Camping adventures...
Our anniversary...
My birthday....
So many positive, life affirming activities happening in my life. It's strange doing it through a fog. I am enjoying myself. I am trying to be present, focussing on the good bits. And there is this underlying swirl of darkness that taints it all. Is it grief? Is it something more? Will it ever go away?
I feel like if I stop pedalling hard I will roll backwards into a dark pit of despair. It's right behind me. As long as I look only at the light, focus only on the things I have to be grateful for then it will remain quietly behind me.
It's like a hole full of all my deepest fears and regrets and guilt and rage just waiting to swallow me up.
While I refuse to even consider those emotions I am holding myself just about together. If I let something trigger me the emotions come whirling up to the surface in a supreme force, clearing a path ahead with a raging torrent of anger and pain. Once the torrent has faded back into the nothingness that it came from I can think clearly and act responsibly again and feel more and more guilty with each surge of anger. I'm not being the parent I want to be, the parent I know I can be. I'm not being the wife I want to be. I'm hiding from my friends and from the community of awesome people I would normally hang out with. If I don't see them then I can pretend like I'm ok.
So of course, the opposite is true. When I do summon all my energy and courage and venture out of my safe little shell to connect with my beautiful friends I know that something is not right. I feel disconnected, frozen. I can't engage the way I used to, can't concentrate on conversations. I want to be there, I really do. And yet something holds me back, like I'm in a fog or a block of ice or everyone is a long way off.
I'm sure these feelings will pass. I'm throwing small bursts of creativity and fresh air and meditation into the mix. I'm seeking professional help. I'm reminding myself to notice what I have to be grateful for as often as I can. And I'm holding out that this too shall pass...